Red Cross symbolsI’m going to use this opportunity to officially announce the MMO we have in development, by the name of The Crusades Online (TCO, as it will no doubt become ubiquitously known). It is a fully 3d product in which you take on one of three sides battling for control of the holy city of Jerusalem in a quasi-historical (historical with some modern elements thrown in for the sake of gameplay) setting. Christians everywhere who long for days goneby can take on the part of one of the noble Crusaders, battling the evil Muslims to wrest control of Jerusalem once and for all, in the name of Jesus. Muslims are given the opportunity to play noble warriors, battling the evil Christians to wrest control of Jerusalem, once and for all, in the name of Mohammed. And finally, Jews get to play Jewish underground resistance fighters, battling everyone to wrest control of Jerusalem, once and for all, in the name of Yahweh.

Features include:

  • Open PK. God loves a good bloodbath in His name. Show those infidels what you think of them! (Tip: If you’re on the Muslim side, we’ve got an Iman who has declared that 10 virtual martyrdoms is as good as one real martyrdom.)
  • Mobile angle. For those with GPS equipped phones, detect whether someone from one of the opposing faiths who plays the game is near you. (Disclaimer: Crusades Online encourages healthy competition between religion, and while we don’t officially encourage you to carry out real-life acts of violence to win, we don’t officially discourage it either. We believe religious-inspired violence is a choice, and we at TCO are pro-choice.)
  • Ability to defile religious icons of opposing faiths with both spittle and tacky commercialism (slap a Burger King sticker on the Bible! Take that King James!)
  • User-created content. Because we too want to be able to say we’re Web 2.0, we’ll be throwing this in. With your digital recorder or mobile phone, you’ll be able to take videos of your most recent religious-inspired beatings and upload them directly to YouTube. Just make sure the words “Crusades Online” appears somewhere in the video so we know that Crusades Online is having a real impact on the world and that you didn’t just send us an old beatdown you delivered to some poor sucker. Include either a prologue or an epilogue explaining why your religion just RULES for bonus points.
  • The Hebrew HammerReal people playing Gods and other religious figures, in a feature we’re bringing over that’s popular in our text MUDs. The difference is that instead of just getting to talk to Matsuhama, the God of War in Achaea, in the Crusades Online, you could talk to Mohammed himself, played by one of our many volunteers! Want to know whether you’re still a virgin if all you’ve done is kiss in those special places? No problem! Ask Jesus face to face! And in a special deal we’ve done with Comedy Central, we’re actually going to be able to feature The Hebrew Hammer as a character!

As you can see, the thing we think is the best part about TCO is the ability for players to express their real-life religious intentions and hostilities in-game. I envision everything from, say, the Vatican sending over a Papal blessing for next Sunday’s 40 man raid to free the Western Quarter from the Jews, to fundamentalist Imams issuing a fatwah against Darren Flockensheinercrimshaw, the 19-year-old student (and member of his Methodist church’s choir) from Akron, Ohio, who is leading the current Crusade for the Christian side. Darren has apparently vowed that if his team doesn’t free Jerusalem this month, he’s going to “fly on over there for real and show them how we roll in Akron.” Almost as an afterthought, he pumped his fist in the air and added, “WESTSIDE, BITCHES!”

So anyway, this time next year, when you’re looking to unleash some steam on those filthy Christians/Jews/Muslims, think The Crusades Online.

Alright, yes, of course it’s a joke. It was inspired by the recent anti-Japanese flash-mobbing in a Chinese MMO and by subsequent commentary on billsdue and Terranova speculating that capitalizing on this kind of real-life rivalry/hatred may be good for business.